Say Cheese...

When I laugh, I close my eyes, scrunch my nose, my whole body shakes, and I make this crinkled face that I think looks downright evil. I laugh often, so I'm sure this is a familiar face to those of you who know me well.

I have a love/ hate relationship with the way I look in candid or goofy pics. On one hand, I love being captured in a moment of pure laughter- completely present in the moment. It intrigues me to see myself in the background of a photo where I am completely unaware that I am part of the scenery. I get a glimpse of what I look like when I focus, when I talk, and when I cry. Have you ever stopped to consider that a candid photo or an unexpected video clip is really the only way to observe yourself completely 'in it'?  While it's interesting to step outside myself and observe how others might physically see me as I engage in a particular behavior, my gut reaction is to say, "ugh, I look awful in that picture! What am I doing?Why do I laugh like that?"

 

The only way I am comfortable being photographed or viewing myself in a photograph is when I am, as my Dad says, doing my 'supermodel smile'. It's kind of a running joke in our family that no matter what's going on for me, if a photo is being taken, I will disregard all previous emotion and plaster on the 'supermodel smile'.

I've been practicing that smile for many years, clearly! :)

Now, I'm not suggesting that I should slap on a big pout every time a picture is being taken- nor am I intimating that I'm a supermodel- but the fact of the matter is that my strong desire to have my photos only reflect my "good side" ,or "good smile' in my case, mirrors how I want to be seen by the rest of world.  I am  someone who still struggles with the need to be viewed as perfect by everyone I come into contact with, and the thought of someone not liking me makes my skin crawl. This external validation of being O.K. enables me to avoid dealing with and embracing the completely unavoidable (and awesome!) imperfection existing within me. 

The reality is that I am someone who is finally starting to understand that how other people view my physical appearance, or my laugh, or my squeeky voice, or my energy, or my opinion is not really my problem.I'm beginning to find beauty in the imperfect, and it feels really freakin' awesome. If I step back and examine the photos, the girl who is belly laughing with one of her best girlfriends in the top picture is more real and alive than the girl in the posed picture with the supermodel smile. That giggly girl had not consumed any alcohol to make her silly, she was not trying to look a certain way for a picture, and she was not faking a big ol' smile when what she really wanted to do was laugh. While smiley,posey, pictures are great and necessary, the goofy moments and candid snaps have so much more life to them.I'm beginning to see that different, goofy,messy, and imperfect is way more interesting and REAL. It's a better angle for me :)

 

Xo,

Sarah