Clarity

Hey Y'all :)

How is it already Thursday? I mean, no complaints here, but what a quick week. So, today is going to one of those posts. I'm going there. I was thinking the other day about the various blogs I read, and I have to say that the posts that discuss real shit are the ones that I just can't get enough of. Sure, it's fun to read about someone's daily activities, but I personally am more interested in what went through that persons head during those daily activities. For example, this post where I disclosed my rather loaded relationship with alcohol and my decision to stop drinking received the most feedback of anything I have written to date.

Brene Brown is one smart cookie.

Today I want to talk about my personal struggle with body image. I'm not going to dive too much into my past experiences, but let's just say my relationship with my body and what it looks like has been rather tumultuous over the past 15 years. Yes, 15. It's been 15 years of trying to figure out how to make myself good enough to be accepted not only by others, but also by myself. As you can imagine or perhaps can relate to, I have always looked to external factors for the "answer" to how to reach perfection, and thus, acceptance. I have read too many self help and diet books to count, determined to find "the answer" from some guru. My strategy hasn't really worked out so well seeing that the whole time, the answer to peace, happiness, and acceptance has been inside of me. Sure, garnering inspiration from others is great, but trying to fit yourself into someone else's mold for success is a losing war. There has always been a part of me that has known that I have the answer, but in a world filled with a focus on external solutions, I didn't trust the part inside enough to go with it.

So, here is what has been happening. Over the past year and a half, my body has undergone some changes. Despite my dislike for running, I spent years feeling that I had to run to be able to maintain a normal weight. It's not like I was a distance runner ,but I had a slight obsession with running 2-3 miles a day to fit in my pants. Well, about 2 years ago now ,I totally stopped running. I just had enough. I decided to find a form of movement that I actually enjoyed doing, and I committed myself to doing it because it was fun rather than because it was something I needed to do to be ok. As many of you know, I found yoga and fell in love. I grew up dancing and loving every second of it, and to me, yoga feels "dancy" with a spiritual component . Perfect combo for me. I was floored that despite abandoning my running routine, my pants still fit! I know, crazy concept, huh? This was a huge transition for me and I was super psyched to have a form of movement that I was actually pumped to do!

While my exercise routine changes, in terms of food, my eating habits remained the same. I love fruits and veggies, and along with plenty of these little nutrition powerhouses,  I still included lean proteins, whole grains, and a smattering of "sometimes" food (aka, fries, cake, cookies, etc) in my diet. I was happier than I had ever been through embracing intuitive eating and  exercise  instead of rigid rules an prescribed plans.

While it wasn't my intention when starting a yoga practice to change anything with my body, my body apparently had other ideas. I didn't really notice initially, but things umm... tightened up if you will, and my clothing started to feel a bit loser. I didn't really think much of it, because my focus truly was NOT on what yoga would make me look like.

Then the comments came. You look thin, you are so tiny, you look great. For anyone who may made a comment, I ain't mad atcha' :) . Really, people's comment were just observations about how something looked to them or a change that they noticed. People will ALWAYS make comments, it's really about having a strong enough relationship with yourself where you can choose to take their comment and react or not react based on your core values and beliefs.  Observations can be nothing more than just that if you can take a step back and remind yourself that you don't have to react. Well, I was good at not reacting for a while. I kept on doing yoga and eating intuitively and things were humming along.

Then my crazy thoughts started. Well, wait... if I look thin now, what did I look like before? Did I think I looked good and really,  I would have looked better if I was thinner? How could I have not noticed?  The fact that my body had in fact "changed" scared the pants off me. What if it changed back? Would I be less me? Less happy? What if, what if, what if....

Even though I did not intentionally change a single thing about my body, I started to get scared and felt that I needed to "do something" to make sure my body stayed the same. Adding to the craziness in my head was the fact that I had purchased my wedding dress... which I love so so much :) While I chose a dress that I felt complemented my body and didn't hug anywhere that would make me feel like I needed to "watch myself" to fit into it, the thought of committing to a dress that would have to "fit" me a year from the date I chose it was a little overwhelming for me. What if something in my body changed back even though I wasn't "trying" to do anything and the dress didn't fit? Intellectually, I know that all of this chatter is just fear, and fear isn't real, people. It's just not. It's our mind's way of trying to protect us, but really fear is just future trippin'.

Another thing about the wedding dress, I had (and have) committed myself to not dieting for my wedding. I will do another post on this soon :) I honestly feel that brides buy into this idea that they need to lose weight for their wedding because somehow that's part of the whole process. Like, going on a diet is part of getting married or something? This is bullshit. Sure, you want to feel great, but the lucky person who get's to marry you doesn't give shit (or they better not!) if you are 5lbs up or 5lbs down.

So all of this noise in my head has lead to me feeling a little stressed over the past few months. I have noticed my food choices have become a bit more "restrictive" if you will. On a side note, it's so easy to restrict certain foods/food groups in today's health obsessed society. Everyday there is new "research" stating that grains, or dairy, or meat, or sugar, or fat or (insert any other good group/macronutrient) is the devil. If you say, oh, I don't really eat dairy, people don't think it's weird. I think some people (myself included at times), feel a sense of superiority because they have the self control to eliminate a certain food group. Now, this isn't to say that there aren't people who eliminate certain foods because they have strong beliefs in animal rights, or they don't like a particular food, or they truly have a food intolerance. This is a bold statement, but I would be willing to bet that there are a lot of sick and stressed out people excluding food groups because they think it's the way to happiness and success. 

So where am I going with all of this? Well, a few places actually. First off, I'm done obsessing over food groups being good or bad. I want to feel more like the girl who a few months ago did what her body truly asked for.  I'm not saying that I don't love my fruits and veggies... I always have and always will. I feel that feeding your body nutritious food is an act of love for yourself and is also a way to power you through your fabulous life.  With that said, if my body wants meat one day, great. If I want a veggie burger one night, awesome. If I want a big salad for lunch, sweet. If I would rather a yummy chicken sandwich, that's what I'm having. If my body changes a little bit, oh well. I know, gasp, right before my wedding. I actually called my seamstress two days ago and asked her NOT to take my dress in until right before the big day. I do love the quote below from bride wars...

But... I just I don't buy that shit. No dress is worth my sanity. I will alter the dress to fit the ME that is happy to walk down that aisle in it, whether she is 5lbs up or 5lbs down :)

Who's with me?

Photo Cred: Kathryn Budig "What I be" project

Be good :)

xo

Sarah