Splat.

Hey There,

How ya doin' ? Things around here are kind of crazy busy, but it's all good. I'm just trying to remind myself that everything that needs to get done will, and that there are only so many hours in a day! In the moments when I need a reminder that everything is ok, I snuggle my dog who is a big furry ball of love (with most people... )!

Yes, I did crawl into his "condo" with him. I don't think he was particularly fond of the fact that I didn't knock or ask if I could enter, but he let me snuggle nonetheless.  Host with the most :)

  

Sometimes we just need to be held :)

Ok, so you all know that I love my little inspirational nuggets, and the one above could not be more perfect for the story I'm about to share today.

Failure.

Flopping.

Falling short.

Splat.

I don't know about you, but all of these words frankly make me feel a bit icky. Who likes the feeling of failure? I certainly don't, and I find it can be especially prickly when others witness your flop. All sorts of "stuff" comes up.

I suck.

I'm so embarrassed.

Why did I even try that?

I should have known better?

I'll never get to where I want to be.

Now everyone knows that I stink, and I'll never be considered a bad ass again.

MMMmmm. The joys of the inner dialogue. EEK! So, where am I going with this? Last Sunday, I took a yoga class. For those of you who know me, I love practicing yoga solo, and I typically avoid the class setting. There are a few reasons for this, but it mostly boils down to my aversion to scheduling my day around a class. I'm blessed that I have been able to develop a super strong home practice, but because I rarely practice around other yogis, I have become rather uncomfortable taking my practice out into the open. When I'm alone, there is no worrying about knocking someone else over, or checking around the room to see if I'm doing the same thing as the other people in the class, or if other people think I'm "good".  It's just me, my mat, and often times, my pajamas. There is no class fee or snazzy yoga apparel required, and the only person that occasionally gets knocked over is my dog or PJ.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61A3sh31dlY

Back to the yoga class. I have been taking a class on Sunday's for the past few months with an instructor that I absolutely love. I don't go every Sunday, but I try to get there a couple of times a month. Everytime I'm about to leave for the class I think, "I should just practice here, I have a much stronger practice when I go solo." I recognize that this thought process might seem rational, but I've realized that what I am really scared of  is getting distracted and "messing up" in front of other people. I want them to see that I have a strong practice, that I'm dedicated, that I can just zone in an whip out any posture with ease. If you didn't know, this is NOT the point of yoga. I have said before and I will say it again- your relationship with your yoga practice or other form of physical activity- is often quite similar to the way you talked to yourself about and  handle other situations in your life. This idea could not be more true for me.

SO, I go to the class, and at the end we are told to pick an inversion of our choice. I love inversions, and typically in a class setting, I will choose a headstand as this is the most stable inversion and poses the least risk to myself and other class goers if I for some reason topple over. Well, on Sunday, I was feeling ballsy. I practice forearm stand and scorpion regularly in my practice at home, and despite the close proximity of the yogi next to me, I thought, "I got this". We had just had a pretty intense class, so my arms were definitely fatigued. Instead of lifting up into forearm balance with control, I muscled my way into it. I was able to balance for a few breaths before my inner dialogue started.  I began to lose focus, and before I knew it, I was toppling over. It was one of those slo-mo falls where you feel like it takes you 5 minutes to get to the ground.  I somersaulted (not gracefully) out of the arm balance and landed about a millimeter away from the girl next to me who was balancing in headstand. I literally almost created a room of yogi dominoes. I was so psyched that I didn't knock her over, but then I started to beat myself up. "Sarah, this is why you don't arm balance in a packed yoga class. What were you thinking? You could have knocked someone over and pissed them off. To boot, they definitely don't think you have a strong practice. As this dialogue started, I looked up at the yoga teacher who saw the whole thing, and she gave me a big smile and two thumbs up. It was adorable, and totally snapped me out of my self loathing moment. I crawled back onto my mat, and lifted into a more stable headstand, where I remained until we were told to come down.

First off, it took every ounce of my being not to include a picture of me rockin' a kick ass scorpion in this post to show you all that I CAN do it.  But honestly, what would that be proving? The aesthetic of the pose is unarguably beautiful and impressive, but the true measure of one's yoga practice should have NOTHING to do with the ease in which they are able to achieve certain postures. Me posting a photo would come from that same fearful part of me that wanted to portray to my yoga class that I am strong.  Why am I telling you this and why do you care about my yoga splat? I'll tell you why.... because splats are going to happen on a yoga mat, and in life. It's part of growing. If you never take a risk, you will remain stagnant, and your full potential will go unrealized. Failure is kind of awesome, and I was reminded of that by my yoga teacher's big thumbs up. You know why? It means you tried. That my friends is brave, and going for it regardless of the outcome is where the real shit starts to happen. I'm not saying the prospect of falling down is not terrifying... it is. Other people will ALWAYS have opinions and reactions about what you choose to do and the result you may have. Don't get discouraged by that, keep your eyes on the road and remember failure is the first step in learning. It has to happen. If you can learn from it, and continue to put yourself out there, the sky is the limit. The same yoga teacher who applauded my wipe-out said earlier in the class , " Go for it. You might fall, but you might fly. If you don't try, you won't know".

So, I think you get the point of this story. I realize that despite my reluctance, I NEED to be attending yoga class because I'm a little bit afraid of it. Not afraid in a DANGER way (in this case, run!), but afraid in a way that I  know I will become stronger if I continue to show up and face my fear. Find that "thing" in your own life, and continue to go for it. We are all in this together, and we may not all splat simultaneously, but we are all going to fail at some point. It's what follows failure  that can make magic happen.

Oldest living yoga teacher. 93 years young. I'm sure she has had her share of splats.

XO

Sarah

A little light, and a little heavy

Happy hump day, my friends!

I hope you are all having a lovely week so far. My week has been pretty great. I arrived home from my amazing bachelorette weekend on Sunday evening, and I promptly got back into my regular routine on Monday. In other exciting news,  PJ and I picked up our wedding bands on Monday evening and as of today, we are officially one month out from our wedding! Time flies! I was looking at the calendar this morning to determine how many pay checks I will be getting prior to September 13th as it's definitely check writing time, and I was shocked (and frankly hoped I was counting wrong!) that I will be receiving just 3 more pay checks before the big day! Anyone who has planned a wedding knows that as you approach the end date, you essentially start to hemorrhage money. We certainly expected this, it just requires a bit more planning and pinching. I said to my girlfriends as we left our weekend getaway on Sunday that I was quite sad my weekend of being wined and dined on someone else's dime was over! Initially I felt uncomfortable with being treated, but I have to be honest, by the end it was quite nice :)



 

To my amazing girlfriends who planned such a special and spectacular weekend that was so "me", I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so moved by all the thought, time, and creativity, each of you put into making sure every moment of the weekend consisted of something that I truly loved. I could not be more grateful to have the unwavering support and love of such an amazing and unique group of women. I love each one of you to pieces and the memories we created and the many, many laughs that we shared will forever be a part of me.



 

I do want to shift gears as I wouldn't feel right not addressing the untimely death of Robin Williams. Robin Williams was a part of  my childhood, and I'm sure many of you can relate. As a little girl, I remember watching Mork and Mindy on TV Land with my Mom and Dad. My brother and I desperately tried to replicate the "Nanu, Nanu" hand signal that Mork would do, often to no avail.



 

I am proud to say that I can now perform an effective "nanu" sign, but as a little kid, I couldn't for the life of me get my fingers to stick together and simultaneously separate. Anyone else remember trying to perfect the "Nanu"?



I also remember watching Hook over and over again, and to this day I will stop and watch if I catch it on tv.



What I think of when I hear the name Robin Williams is the happy and insightful character that he portrayed in most of his movies. It's not that I personally knew him, but it's frankly unfathomable to me that this man could have another part of him that was so completely opposite from the character that he played in his movies- a part that was dark and tortured. I remember my mom telling me years back that he had gone to rehab, but I assumed he just liked to party and needed some help reigning it in. Although I never gave it much thought, I supposed that I presumed the cause of his drinking/drugging stemmed from wanting to constantly celebrate. From the outside looking in, who would have thought that this man was so shackled? I certainly wouldn't have.


The point is that you never fully know what type of internal struggle a person is facing. For many people, the projection we show to the world is just that- an at least partly artificial image of how we want people to see us. However, the parts of ourselves that we keep under lock and key are bound to eventually break down the door. While the part of us that puts on a show for the world is trying to protect us from being really seen and thus rejected, this part stifles all other aspects of who we are. We become unable to hear our inner voice, and we begin to act soley from a place of fear. For those of you who have experienced this internal imbalance, the pain and disconnect can feel unbearable. In Robin Williams' case,  he could not longer manage his inner demons, and he felt his only choice was to escape.

Mental illness is not a joke, and Robin William's death was not selfish. When someone is trapped in a world where they cannot create any space from the torture of their demons, they lose the ability to rationalize their emotional state and they become physically and mentally unable  to "live"... even for the people who love them and who they love. While mental illness can certainly be attributed to biology, I believe that some people are more susceptible to mental illness and depending on their circumstances, can almost "catch" it, meaning certain environmental factors may lower their threshold for illness and thus they end up in a very, very dark place.

 

I once said to a person in my life, "I don't understand why people seem so mentally discombobulated...they didn't have a slew of pharmaceuticals to remedy their mental problems back in the day and people got along fine". This person said to me, " Sarah, back in the day, people had a life expectancy of maybe 50, and their societal pressures and expectations were unarguably WAY different than the complex and high pressure world we live in today. If they lived in this world, they too would perhaps consider therapy or medication." Touche.

On that same note, when people are prescribed medication to help treat mental illness, we don't know how their individual biology will react to the medication. The scary thing with medications for mental illness is that it's not like we are simply treating a rash, we are altering their brain's chemical function. If a person does not tolerate a medication well, or they abruptly discontinue it, or they mix it with other altering "substances", shit could potentially hit the fan in a very big, bad way. While I think medication is extremely effective  for some people and can truly create the space for an individual to experience a life they may have not thought possible, many medications are dolled out liberally without the risks and consequences of improper usage being properly discussed and understood. This is a problem... just sayin'.


I have personally struggled with mental illness, and I'm not ashamed of it. I used to be, but I'm not anymore. I now know that the darkness that I often lived with was not my fault, and I was not weak. I did not choose to suffer, and in fact I tried like hell to keep my head above water. It was exhausting, and as much as I tried to project this image of perfection, it was not sustainable. My friends and family have seen me in some pretty ugly places, and while I am so grateful for ALL the blessings I have in my life, there were times where I didn't think that I could possible endure the war that was going on inside of me for one second more. I felt trapped, stuck, and like something was very wrong with me. Fortunately, with support and love, I was able to dig myself out of the darkness and learn how to get comfortable with all the parts of me, even the ones that I didn't want to admit to having. Moving through mental illness is NOT linear. There are peaks and valleys, and breaking free can initially feel like a roller coaster ride-exhilarating one moment and truly terrifying the next. I'm talking, "get me off this freaking ride I don't care if I have to jump out of the cart" terrifying. The ride certainly gets less bumpy, but it's by no means a perfectly straight track. In order to move forward, I believe that YOU have to learn how to accept yourself and take care of yourself. While having support is crucial, ultimately you are the one that needs to learn how to show up for yourself. The good news is, and I speak from experience, that this can be learned if a person can even slightly open up to the possibility that things could be different. I would argue that the challenge here is to first admit that you are not flawed or wrong because u are suffering. It's not your fault, and nothing is inherently wrong with you. Mental illness does not discriminate, and those who are affected by it do not choose to bear the disease. Like any chronic illness,the sad reality is that some individuals who struggle with mental illness might succumb to it's grip. It's unfair, and unpredictable, but so is a disease like cancer. I realize that this is an opinionated post and I truly hope not to offend anyone, but as someone who has been impacted by the shame of mental illness, I felt compelled to share my perspective and a snipit of my story. Most people have been either personally impacted by or presently know someone who struggles with mental illness. I challenge you to think of that person or perhaps yourself before you judge someone's inability to cope with mental illness for a disease of the mind is perhaps one of the most difficult diseases to treat in my humble opinion.

 

Something to think about:

-Glenn Close

XO

Sarah

 

 

 

Soulful Sunday Stuff

Hey There!

Happy Sunday, my friends. I started my day off by dumping a whole cup of coffee on my coffee table. I mean, I know the table's name indicates that one of it's purposes is to hold coffee, but watching your first cup of freshly poured joe slowly spill across the table is majorly disappointing. Cleaning up coffee spillage when you haven't yet consumed coffee is no bueno. Womp, Womp. Anyway, I've got a refill, and I'm ready to chat!



 

HI!

So, I wanted to start off today by adding a few little nuggets onto this post which was basically an update of my life and my current relationship with alcohol. I redefined what I want my relationship with alcohol and part-aying to look like, and how I'm making that happen. I wanted to share with  a couple of resources I found super duper helpful in figuring out what my inner party pants was really after ,and how to work with that knowledge to become a mindful imbiber. First off, there were plenty of articles I read about transitioning to a relatively sober lifestyle. These were great inspiration, but they didn't speak directly to the part of me that was searching for something in that glass of vino. Nonetheless, these articles were powerful and trans formative, and I've added a few of them below if you're interested in reading.

7 things I learned during my year without alcohol (Thanks, D for this link! :)!)

Addictive Daughter <---- Amazing site with an even more amazing message! Do yourself a favor and read the founder's stories!

How I realized that alcohol was ruining my life

Why I don't drink alcohol and how to cut back on booze without become a hermit

There are definitely more great articles that I have read, but I didn't save them :( If you have an article related to this topic, post it in the comments section below! As I said, these accounts were all very inspiring, but my thought process really changed when I stumbled across the blog Such Different Skies. The blog's Aussie creator and author, Tara Bliss, is a beautiful writer, a free spirit, a yogi, and among many other things, a reformed party girl. Although I did not partake, Tara has a whole coaching series called The Party Girl's Guide to Peace (which is no longer being offered), and she is currently writing a book with the same title.  Click this link to read Tara's story and peruse the Party Girl's Guide To Peace archives. There is SO much good stuff, here. This girl makes you think, party people. I walked away from each article that I read feeling less alone, more empowered, and equip with questions to ask myself when the urge to indulge or overindulge arises. As I said in this post, sobriety to me does not mean never having a sip of a drink again, but I'm finding that by getting really clear with myself about what specifically I am wanting to feel when I reach for a cocktail, that my desire to consume it is GREATLY decreased. I don't feel like I can't drink, instead I feel that I don't really want to because I'm finally addressing the real shit underneath that makes me want to use drinking as a way to feel or appear different than I am. Who knew that dealing with your shit was the key all along?!

I hope you all find the info in this post helpful or thought provoking. It can be scary and kind of trippy when you get really honest with yourself, but in the end, I promise it's worth it. I'm certainly still on my journey, but I've had a taste of what life can be like when you take care of yourself inside and out, and let me just say that I highly recommend this type of life. 

Happy Sunday :)

xo

Sarah