Sometimes I wish that I could be even more honest on this blog than I currently am. Some of you out there might be thinking, nah you are honest enough. Keep it clean, girl. While I'm all for being as real as I can be, I also have a career that I have to keep in mind when I'm sharing information. We all know that once we put information out on the internet, it's there forever. I should state for the record that I don't harbor some crazy secret, but that I simply must be mindful about over sharing.
With that said, my favorite reading material whether blogs or otherwise is usually super raw, vulnerable, and honest. I love me a good self help book or a personal account of someone overcoming obstacles. There is a sense of belonging that I feel when I read about the real shit (pardon my french) going on in someone's life. Perhaps I can't relate to their exact situation, but these personal stories validate their humanness and simultaneously allow me to feel connected and less alone.
So, with all that said, today I'm going to write about a topic that may be a little more raw than usual, but perhaps there is someone out there who may read this and feel a little bit less alone. In addition, when I say things out loud it's often scary at first, but I feel so much better in the end. There is also a sense of accountability that comes with "going on the record" if you will.
I found this quote yesterday on Facebook, and I knew that it was the perfect way to start off today's post. I would like to focus on the last sentence, "how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you". This little nugget could refer to a number of things in life whether its be a person, an item, a substance, a practice, a job, a pet. It doesn't matter. Sometimes things come our way and we have to admit that they are just not for us. Now, I'm willing to bet most of us don't "let go" gracefully the first time. Come on, we are human. We often have to try an incorporate these "things" a gazillion different ways until we finally say, "hey, this isn't working."
This is a bit more realistic, don't you think? hahaha.
All joking aside, now matter how one arrives at the decision to "let go" of that which does not serve them, in my opinion the process of letting go is always graceful and admirable. So where am I going with all of this? You guessed it, I'm finally choosing to let go of something. Now, I have let go of plenty of things in my life ...
Usually this happened before I let go...
The point is that I've done it. It pisses me off to have to let things go sometimes. I feel like I should be able to have that "thing" in my life, ya know? No matter how aggravating some situations are, sometimes you just have to accept that whatever that "thing" is that you want is really not meant to be yours. At age 30, I am finally acknowledging that alcohol and I are not meant to be friends. Let me explain. I don't drink often, but when I do, there are times where my "off-switch" if you will seems broken. Full disclosure, I have an addictive personality. I have known this for quite a long time, and I have had some pretty big struggles in my life because my way of handling uncomfy feelings is to drown them out with something else ( including but not limited to watching countless hours of shows on Netflix). Not ready to deal with that addiction, yet :) The problem with using a behavior to to cover up feelings is I end up having to deal with said "behavior" and then the dang feelings on top of it! They don't go away!
I'm told that "addictive personality disorder " is not a thing (thanks, Adrienne!), but there are definitely people who tend to be more prone to addictive tendencies than others. I have struggled for YEARS with knowing my limit and making a conscious decision to respect that limit. I am also a recovering people pleaser,so I have trouble saying no and putting myself first. My situation may be different than yours, or perhaps it's extremely similar.What do I mean by that? I can have a glass of wine with dinner no problem. I can sip cautiously with family and certain friends. However, there are times (too many for my liking) where all of a sudden this mindful sipping become more of cocktail guzzling type of scenario. I don't like the feeling of having imbibed so much that I don't remember what I did, what I said, or who I may have hurt. I don't particularly like the person I am when I'm boozing. And the next day? Forget it. The sense of self hatred and regret seems palpable. Now, I know it's a societal norm to get a little loopy sometimes. Drinking fine wine or cocktails seems like a sexy idea, haha. I personally think that it can be kind of fun if you hang out on the edge of sober and a little tipsy. The problem is that for me, often times tipsy leads to a state that I would term as slightly sloppy. Depending on what I am feeling and often times not addressing, my alcohol intake can become very unpredictable . After many years of trying to "learn" how to responsibly moderate, I'm calling a truce. I love a good red wine, but at this point in my life, I've had enough.
Hehehe. Very True.
For the past two January's, I have done what I call "Dry January". I don't drink for the entire month. Honestly, the hardest part of that month is not abstaining from the sauce, it's the reaction from other people about my choice. During that month, I feel amazing. I sleep better, my skin glows, and I wake up with not one woulda, coulda, shoulda from a booze infused night before. I am in control of every action I take and every word that comes out of my mouth. My relationship with my fiance is better. My relationship with myself is better. My energy is better. In a nutshell, I'm the best version of myself.
From this point forward, I'm going to be an alcohol free me. I feel pretty awesome about this decision and saying it out loud feels great for so many reasons. I have contemplated this decision many times, but was often too afraid to say in out loud in fear of being unaccepted by people around me. F that. A dear friend put it best ..." If someone has a problem with you choice, then they are an asshole and there is one less Christmas card that you have to send." So, if you are a reader of my blog, you know why I'll be ordering a sparkling water instead of a glass of Cabernet. If you don't read my blog, I have no problem telling you why I have made the decision to stop. I'm owning it. With that said, I think there are many people who can drink responsibly. If that's you, or you are someone who doesn't care to drink responsibly, be my guest and imbibe! It does not make me uncomfortable. At all. It's about making a choice that is good FOR ME. You make the choice that is good for you.
Also, on a side note. If you are ever looking to gift me something in place of that bottle of red, I am equally stoked over receiving nice tea! Just sayin'.... :)
Something to think about :
This post is dedicated to my handsome, caring, insightful, and patient fiance. Thank you for always being there for me while I figure it out.
Happy Friday.
xo
Sarah
Accidentally took my lipstick covered napkin home with me from dinner Friday evening. I received a belated birthday gift and mistook said napkin for tissue paper! Oops.
